Caroline

caragrace29 @ 2008-10-12T22:21:00

2008-10-13T03:26:57Z

i need a plan

it's hard to think about eating right now... i'm so tired of crying about it that i hate thinking about having to eat. then i get hungry and i think because i'm hungry, i can eat some high calorie food that i love. but i must remember that i cannot, because i am not a normal weight.

this isn't hard...i control all of this. no one makes me eat. no one buys me food to eat. no one forces me to stop working out.
i can beat these cravings because they do not own me.

so how about this. when i'm starved i can eat some fruit. i can work out. there is no way i'll keep gaining weight or even stay this weight if i'm working out and not eating much.

caragrace29 @ 2008-10-11T20:27:00

2008-10-12T01:28:57Z

still losing...

and not weight ...the battle against binge eating. i guess i want to stay like this forever? so tomorrow is a new day. i guess i just have to try again.

ugh whatever

2008-10-09T04:47:47Z

i was doing AWESOME until i binged on fucking ice cream. binging is always odd...i can't stop thinking about the food until i eat a large quantity of it...not a normal quantity...but even more. then i can't live with myself until i throw it up. usually i will stop there, but this time i decided i should start doing crunches as well. i just did 50 and i haven't done then in forever so my stomach is burning. i'm going to add more onto that i just started them right after purging so my musles were a little tired. i'm starting to actually want to work out more...i usually hate it, but i'm really in a crunches mood.

new weight loss goal because i fucked up the last years worth..well actually more like 5 years, but at this point who's counting?

GW1 - 150 - Oct 23rd
GW2- 140 - Nov 6th
GW3- 130 - Nov 20th
GW4- 120 - Dec 4th

so we have restricting
maybe detoxing?
crunches like crazy
and if all fails....throwing it all up apparently

caragrace29 @ 2008-10-03T22:12:00

2008-10-04T03:13:17Z

i'm so down lately.
maybe it's a period is about to start thing
idk but i think i'm about to have to cry myself to sleep.

caragrace29 @ 2008-10-03T00:32:00

2008-10-03T05:32:51Z

something HAS to change.
i can't live like this anymore.

caragrace29 @ 2008-09-11T08:15:00

2008-09-11T13:40:43Z

my sleeping schedule is so different now. I trained myself to go to sleep earlier so that I can wake up earlier...except today my first class was cancelled and i could have slept later -_-

I was terrified that my weight would be up this morning
-strawberries and 70cal smoothie
-100cal apple newton bar
-a little bit of cereal and milk with fruit on top
-1 cookie and a bit of dough...I made them for my boyfriend's birthday and had to make sure they came out alright...i didn't use a mixer, i was SO proud :]
- theennn my through started hurting and I was out of water (the tap tastes bad) so I kept finding stuff to drink like banana colada fuze and this other stuff, but i didn't finish the class, then I had 1 piece of chocolate which would have been fine, but I already tasted the cookie and I'm trying really hard to stay far far away from binging, but i did only have 1 piece. and then 1 million cough drops. i can't stand it when my throat feels funny :[

I don't think i did anything too wrong, i just don't want to get back into the habit of eating sweets.
and this morning, the scale said 161 so i'm exactly like yesterday!

i just finished eating my breakfast which was cereal with milk and some fruit (i'm trying to finish the milk even though it isn't reduced fat, jut because when i went to the store it was all they had left and i don't want to waste that money....i also don't drink milk by itself)

i only have class from 11-1215 today and then i'm going to my boyfriend's house. i made him 53 cookies which he can start on today and then at 12am sept 12th he can have his real present :] i made him the typical booklet of out inside jokes but i also got him a new video game which nearly cost me 70$....that on top of the cost of buying all the baking supplies was almost 100..... he better feel lucky! that's something i miss about home..... i wouldn't have had to go buy all the ingredients and the bowls and spoons. but i love living on my own way more. it seems like i moved out an eternity ago, but it's only been a year. and it's only been since june that i've had my own apartment. the dorms barely count! well except that no one makes my rules. it's strange though, when i lived at home i was a terrible child. i wanted to go out all night, smoke, drink, and never do work, but now that i can do whatever i want, i'm actually rather boring. i mean i go out to the bars every once in awhile, but i rather hang out with my boyfriend at home and have him try to teach me about his video games. i also rather bring him to the print shop and explain to him what i'm working on...especially if it's tiring and he'll help me. i like finishing my day early and cuddling up in my bed and watching tv. i like waking up early to take a shower and having plenty of time before my first class to watch the weather and plan out my food and make sure i have everything. maybe this is growing up. i realize i'm not even 20 yet, but not everyone can be a party animal. part of this is the choice i made when i decided to date my boyfriend. he hates going out and there isn't much of a point in going out and dancing if your boyfriend isn't there. i guess i some cases maybe, but our relationship is too serious for that. i don't mind it though. he's an amazing person and he's my best friend. i wouldn't trade our relationship for the world. i'm so excited about tonight, i can't wait to give him his present! i got him an xbox game bc his friends gave him an xbox for i think christmas so that he could learn to play halo and be on their team, but that's the only game he has for it so i figured i'd fix that! i also wrapped it in a copy of a drawing i did. custome wrapping paper! ...that way i didn't have to buy any either.

back to food:

i plan on restricting a lot today. breakfast should get me through a lot of the day and since i'm at his house, i'll probably end up eating dinner so i will fast until then. i may bring some of my 100cal snacks to eat while i'm there...since i'm spending the night so that i can eat my usual stuff when he eats regular meals.

alright maybe i'll try to sleep some more though i don't think it will happen :[

GOAL WEIGHT 1 IN PROGRESS

2008-09-10T13:48:28Z

When I woke up I was 161 and after my shower I was 160.5. This means eating fruit so that I'm less hungry for school works! THANK GOD. I hate being hungry in class, especially since all of mine are so long.

So before I leave I'm going to have a few strawberries with probably a 70cal smoothie....I need to eat those strawberries before they go bad. I have class from 10-3 45 so I'm going to bring little 100-90 cal snacks...probably 2 of them. After class I need to finish my boyfriend's birthday present ....part of it means I'm going to make cookies. I'm trusting that I won't eat more than 1 just to make sure they taste right. I'll probably just eat fruit for dinner since I'm going to eat 1 cookie.

I get sooooo excited about seeing new numbers. So far I'm down about 5 lbs! I can't wait to get back to the 140s. I think I even look faily thin when I'm in the 130s!!!

Okay off to finish getting ready for another successful day :]

GOAL WEIGHT 1 IN PROGRESS

2008-09-10T00:45:35Z

done eating for the day.
just ate a 100cal yogurt
we shall see how this works out tomorrow
i feel like though i'm restricting, it isn't enough
i'm eating very small portions spread out, but i feel like i could go without food longer than i am

oohhh well...there's no way i can gain weight like this.
i'll be thin one day

GOAL WEIGHT 1 IN PROGRESS

2008-09-09T20:34:13Z

So far....

100cal apple newton bar
bowl of strawberries with a banana
small handful of special k (125cal?ish) with strawberries

i didn't want to be too hungry to function at school because i have 3 really long classes today so i had the fruit to fill me up

225-250ish cal plus the fruit and i'm definitely full enough to function. we'll see what this does with amount of time it takes me to lose weight.

i haven't really decided what to eat for dinner.... i have a 3 hour class from 530-820...hopefully it won't actually last that long, but i'm definitely bringing a little snack...90-100 cal and then maybe a 70 cal smoothie for dinner...

GOAL WEIGHT 1 IN PROGRESS

2008-09-09T13:09:27Z

:] 162

I'm down from 166. I ever ate real dinner last night! I'm so impressed. I can't wait to see what it is tomorrow. I'll be back to the 150s in no time. Then the 140s!

Staying under 400 today

GOAL WEIGHT 1 IN PROGRESS

2008-09-09T04:03:52Z

GW1 - 150lbs (October 1st)

Today's Calories

2 Special K Bars - (180cal)
Homemade burger and a few fries at bf's house (???)

i'm guessing i definitely stayed under maybe 800 today but with homemade foods i have no idea, but i weight the same tonight as i did this morning, so i've lost 3 lbs.

Tomorrow I'm not going over there so I will heavy restrict...I plan on allowing myself to eat "normal" when I am with his family, but when I am alone, I will restrict and fast. I'm going to try to stay around 400.

Hopefully I can make it back into the 150s by the weekend...maybe sunday?

GOAL WEIGHT 1 IN PROGRESS

2008-09-08T04:17:24Z

GW1: 150 by October 1

Food Today:

3 90cal packs (260cal)
1 70 cal smoothie

Total: 330cal

Tomorrow I hope to stay under 500 cal again

starting today!

2008-09-07T16:41:04Z

i'm eating a 90cal pack for breakfast and drinking and entire bottle of water! ....breakfast/lunch. i'm going to maybe go to the store and get more low cal packs and stuff to stiffle hunger.

i'm tired of this and i'm going to beat it this time :]

H/CW- 166
GW1- 150 (October 1)
GW2- 140 (October 15)
GW3- 130 (October 30)
GW4- 120 (November 15)

throwing around ideas

2008-09-06T18:54:06Z

i think for monday i'm going to start maybe a 4646 diet....kinda like 2468 but only using the middle ones so i can function in class

monday and wednesday, i have class from 10- 345 with hardly a break so i'm going to bring a 100 cal snack with me and that will leave 300 cal for dinner

tuesday i have class from 930-12 15 and then an evening class at i think 5 30ish until 8 20ish so i'll bring a 100 cal snack to my lecture classes in the morning and then maybe some soup for lunch and then a snack for my long class in the evening

thursday i have class from 9 30- 12 15 ...so once again i'll bring my 100 cal snack and then i won't eat again because i usually go to my boyfriend's house later one and i can have some calories to spare

on the weekends when i'm not with my boyfriend i will either fast, or eat raw fruits and veggies
and when i'm at his house i will eat small amounts whenever we have meals...he doesn't mind me restricting meals though

so i'll give this a try and see how it has worked in two weeks

caragrace29 @ 2008-09-03T18:51:00

2008-09-03T23:57:42Z

hi journal,

i've been neglecting you. this is partially because i haven't had a computer lately, but now that it is back i will post in you daily and i will also reach any goals i post for myself, because this whole thing is just getting old.

i think i pretty much just slammed into rock bottom. i want to care more about how i look, but the whole weight this seems to be a road block. what's the point in trying to look cute when i'm still overweight. i can't hide it.

so fuck all of this. i'm going to start caring and start looking better. i don't want to keep feeling like the ugly one. i think it is why i don't get myself a job and i'm tired of feeling like i should hide myself.

i'm going to weigh 120 lbs. i'm finally going to get there. if jessica can do it, so can i.

now to look up exercises i can do in my room.

nice long update

2008-06-18T06:27:54Z

My sleeping schedule is so fucked.
I go to bed entirely too late for how early i get up and all of the shit I have to do.

I'm always so tired by the time I get out of class....and I'm only taking 6 credits! But it is 21 hours a week...

I've been neglecting LJ lately. Real life got a little busy.

Updates:
I'm taking History and Sculpture. History is a half summer semester class so its insane info overload for less than a month. Sculpture is just impossibly hard.
My love life is completely wonderful, without him, I would probably be in a bad spot. He keeps me sane and I've never been more sure about something in my short 19 years of life. Just the way we work together. Everything is so perfect. I still look at him and I think he's the most beautiful person I've ever met. I cannot believe he actually feels the way he does about me. It's like some precious-happily-everafter fairlytale thing that I don't believe i deserve. I know what I want from life with him. It carries me along all of the obstacles I have to overcome before the always more exciting next phase of life. In High School, I always believe that college was the most exciting phase ever, I couldn't ask for more. I thought it was what I've been waiting for. I love college in comparison, but I'm always one to look into the future with great anticipation. I'm never happy with where I'm at. Well...I am happy, but I'm just a restless human being. This isn't necessarily a bad thing. The future is just so exciting to me. Right now I really want to get married. I used to be more cynical, I don't know what happened to Caroline, because this whole marriage thing can't possibly be her! But I know I found him and that makes all the difference. I also want three children-- Amelia, Ella, and a boy who is unnamed because I'm not inspired yet. I'm thinking about teaching to support my free lance artwork, but who really knows. Scott keeps me going through college. It is so much work, but I'm driven to get to the next phase of life-- with him. He brings out something in me that I love. I feel so at home with his family.
Girl friends aren't working ou quite so well, but fuck it. I do not give a damn. The best girl friends I have are probably online. This may be sad, but I don't like drama and I definitely do not need their BS in my life.
I haven't been so focused on weight, but I'm not gaining, nor am I at my highest weight. I've been so busy and I think my metabolism got a bit faster because I've been running around. I think now if I focus on better habits and only eating when necessary, I could look a great deal better. I'm letting go though, this is me. If I eat too much, I will look a certain way. If I don't like it, I have the power to change, I honestly feel that claiming emotional eating, yo yo syndrome, controls my thoughts since I was little and I just don't have a good metabolism and I'm short blah blah blah --- all excuses to explain why I'm not as thin as perhaps I should be. Maybe it is true -- but I sure as hell am not condemned to this forever. It's all in my mind. Perhaps it's harder for me, but we all have our issues and with everything I can still having going for me -- weight or not, I think I'm pretty damn lucky I don't have worse issues.
Maybe I'm growing up? Maybe I'm recovering. I've taken on a new motto -- Climb down off your cross, use the wood to build a bridge, and get over it.

It will also help if I stop buying ice cream....
Caroline, do stock your freezer with your kyrptonite. That is just stupid :] Kthnx

caragrace29 @ 2008-06-09T21:45:00

2008-06-10T02:51:46Z

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

that is all

caragrace29 @ 2008-06-05T02:30:00

2008-06-05T07:37:58Z

I don't want to sleep and I don't want to eat
I feel betrayed
When I'm thin and beautiful and laying out in my small bikini on the beach everything will be alright

i've never been scared of the thoughts i get before i sleep but i am now.

159

2008-06-05T02:16:17Z

Not in the 160s anymore, however this is not allowed to make me happy. the 140s will make me happier, but not as happy as the 130s. i think in the 130s i will allow myself total happiness until i hit my goal and then i will do a fucking backflip.

So today:
blueberries
rasberries
kiwi
tall caramel iced latte with skim milk
a small amount of tea
i small slice homemade pizza wholewheat

I better be down tomorrow despite my period.

I'm ready for bikinis and the beach without trying to wear the two piece and cover my stomach at the same time because that's so obvious.

caragrace29 @ 2008-06-04T09:20:00

2008-06-04T14:27:53Z

i now need to get my car fixed because i clipped a parked truch and it fucked up my poor little car. it's making me so sad. i love my car and now it is ugly. i can't really tell if it is making me want to eat, i just don't feel good and i want it fixed now. i hate waiting for things even though i hit it less than an hour ago. i just get so anxious.

going well

2008-06-04T04:41:49Z

didnt screw up today :]
first time in a long time.
i think i'm in an overly sensitive mood right now.

i posted something about reverse thinspo to see if people thought it really was evil.
yep they do.
i mean i'm not a reverse regular. i just found it and i was like wow i really dont want to eat now.
shit i am reverse thinspo. but i wouldnt post half naked pics of myself on the internet for people to find.
then again they don't see themselves as gross and we shouldnt call them so.
i don't hate them and i would never want them to feel any sort of negative emotion from a stupid video.

other than that my friends are dumb and one of them is planning a trip to galvaston and i said i might be interested and she posted something about it and who all is going and my name isnt even on the maybe list. this isnt a big deal. i just know that she'd be pissed if i did this to her. she's quite the hypocrit on more than 1 account. WHATEVER

maybe it's because i'm about to start my period. ah fuck this.

i miss lafayette and my boyfriend because he's the only person i trust.

boyfriend :]

2008-06-03T05:02:09Z

BuildMeUpBtrkup (10:36:30 PM): next time i come over to your house, do not let me eat everything

scott: ???

BuildMeUpBtrkup (10:37:08 PM): i'm just in this sad little weight unhappiness oblivion

scott (10:37:29 PM): well, next time will be quite the opposite

scott (10:37:40 PM): weel be swimin lap

scott(10:37:41 PM): s

BuildMeUpBtrkup (10:37:44 PM): :]

BuildMeUpBtrkup (10:38:13 PM): i have very little control when it comes to food

BuildMeUpBtrkup (10:38:21 PM): and i tend to fail at your house

BuildMeUpBtrkup (10:38:22 PM): idk y

BuildMeUpBtrkup (10:38:37 PM): i think it might be because i'm so comfortable around you that i don't care

scott (10:39:01 PM): i can start judging you, than maybe it will feel just like home!

BuildMeUpBtrkup (10:39:15 PM): don't you dare

BuildMeUpBtrkup (10:39:28 PM): it's not a bad thing...i like being comfortable with you

scott (10:39:35 PM): i noes

BuildMeUpBtrkup (10:39:47 PM): i just don't want to keep making the same mistakes and then complainig about it

scott (10:39:58 PM): bleh ok next time u starve

scott (10:40:05 PM): sound good?

BuildMeUpBtrkup (10:40:07 PM): yeah

scott(10:40:17 PM): the only big meal we ate was breakfast

BuildMeUpBtrkup (10:41:02 PM): i'm 5'2 i had waffles, snow cone that had ice cream, 2 burgers, some fries, coke, some more ice cream, rice and chicken

BuildMeUpBtrkup (10:41:06 PM): i weigh 160

BuildMeUpBtrkup (10:41:14 PM): clearly what i do doesnt work

scott (10:42:08 PM): rice and chicken?

BuildMeUpBtrkup (10:42:12 PM): my house

scott (10:42:14 PM): oh

scott (10:42:23 PM): ok

scott (10:42:31 PM): ill make u eat w/e i eat

BuildMeUpBtrkup (10:42:46 PM): dont i usually...for the most part

scott (10:42:51 PM): when im alone i dont eat unless im starving

BuildMeUpBtrkup (10:42:54 PM): oh

BuildMeUpBtrkup (10:43:01 PM): so you only eat around me?

scott (10:43:07 PM): ish

scott(10:43:20 PM): i usually wake up at 12

scott (10:43:30 PM): eat and dont again till like 2 am

scott (10:43:34 PM): on weekends

BuildMeUpBtrkup (10:43:54 PM): it just scares me that this might never not be an issue

BuildMeUpBtrkup (10:44:00 PM): i'm tired of it

BuildMeUpBtrkup (10:44:09 PM): i'm beyond tired of it

scott (10:44:21 PM): than stop eating

scott (10:44:27 PM): works for me

BuildMeUpBtrkup (10:44:40 PM): you complained last time i did that

scott (10:44:53 PM): well.. not entirely deer

scott(10:45:00 PM): extremely small portions

scott (10:45:03 PM): rarely

scott (10:45:12 PM): exercise

scott (10:45:30 PM): mandi lost 25+ on diet coke and exercising an hour a day

BuildMeUpBtrkup (10:45:39 PM): i've lost weight before

BuildMeUpBtrkup (10:45:44 PM): i'm good at losing weight

scott (10:45:46 PM): and she has athsma

BuildMeUpBtrkup (10:45:49 PM): its an emotional thing

scott (10:45:57 PM): its a physical thing

BuildMeUpBtrkup (10:46:04 PM): eh

BuildMeUpBtrkup (10:46:08 PM): its part mental

BuildMeUpBtrkup (10:46:14 PM): especially if i'm at my house

scott (10:46:18 PM): than think it away

scott (10:46:22 PM): lol

BuildMeUpBtrkup (10:46:30 PM): you just don't know

BuildMeUpBtrkup (10:46:36 PM): and i can't really explain it

scott (10:46:49 PM): than do it your way

scott (10:46:52 PM): stop eating

scott (10:46:56 PM): not like ur gonna die

scott (10:47:09 PM): franky, you could live on water for like 2 weeks

scott (10:47:18 PM): though not very fun

scott (10:47:23 PM): effective

BuildMeUpBtrkup (10:48:15 PM): you always seem to make me think that you would rather me not lose weight

scott (10:48:25 PM): im kidding

scott (10:48:38 PM): i dont like u bein all mopey about it

BuildMeUpBtrkup (10:48:51 PM): then would you prefer it if i did?

scott (10:49:03 PM): this is a trick quesion

BuildMeUpBtrkup (10:49:07 PM): no it isnt

scott (10:49:26 PM): yeah, id prefer you a bit thinner

BuildMeUpBtrkup (10:49:29 PM): i'm not asking if i'm fat and i'm not going to kill you for being truthful

scott (10:49:33 PM): i just dont want a gf thats skinny

BuildMeUpBtrkup (10:49:39 PM): define skinny

scott (10:49:45 PM): disgusting skinny

scott (10:49:54 PM): i like some meat

BuildMeUpBtrkup (10:49:59 PM): i mean i don't do bones sticking out everywhere because then i lose my boobs

BuildMeUpBtrkup (10:50:01 PM): and my ass

BuildMeUpBtrkup (10:50:07 PM): and i know you won't like that

scott (10:50:12 PM): thats correct

BuildMeUpBtrkup (10:50:25 PM): however i'd prefer it if i could go back to where my stomach didnt stick out

BuildMeUpBtrkup (10:50:33 PM): and my arms were smaller

scott (10:51:48 PM): my only problem is that you are to the point that it is unhealthy

scott (10:52:00 PM): i like how you look, im always going to.

scott(10:52:11 PM): but it cant hurtt to drop a few

scott (10:52:13 PM): not a lot

scott (10:52:16 PM): just some

BuildMeUpBtrkup (10:52:20 PM): how many

scott (10:52:26 PM): idk

scott (10:52:35 PM): whatever puts you in average weight range

BuildMeUpBtrkup (10:52:43 PM): 30-40

BuildMeUpBtrkup (10:53:44 PM): i'm a foot shorter than you and we weight the same

scott(10:53:56 PM): well im sorta skinny

BuildMeUpBtrkup (10:54:01 PM): 30-40 would put me between 120 and 130

scott (10:54:48 PM): according to the bmi calc, u are

scott (10:54:52 PM): at risk of becoming overweight.

scott (10:54:56 PM): not even there yet

BuildMeUpBtrkup (10:55:12 PM): well but in 120 - 130 and see what i am

BuildMeUpBtrkup (10:55:24 PM): and i am overweight thats why i look the way i do

scott(10:56:07 PM): u swear u look terrible.

scott (10:56:13 PM): you arent that bad off

scott (10:56:20 PM): but if you continue, you will be

scott (10:56:32 PM): 125lbs

scott (10:56:33 PM): at a healthy weight.

BuildMeUpBtrkup (10:57:17 PM): idk i just can't stand myself

BuildMeUpBtrkup (10:57:27 PM): and i'm tired of it

scott (10:57:50 PM): than do something about it

scott (10:57:56 PM): take initiative

scott (10:58:01 PM): get some exercise

scott (10:58:07 PM): eat lighter

scott (10:58:29 PM): amanda goes running for an hour a day

scott (10:58:38 PM): thats perty good

BuildMeUpBtrkup (10:58:49 PM): i dont even think i can run for 5 minutes

BuildMeUpBtrkup (10:58:51 PM): i can walk haha

scott (10:59:00 PM): well you gotta start somewhere

scott (10:59:09 PM): you run. walk till ur untired

scott (10:59:16 PM): mandi cant run for shit

scott (10:59:24 PM): she has to bring her inhaler with her

BuildMeUpBtrkup (11:00:01 PM): i just hope this time around i actually dont give up and at some point i stop with the self loathing

scott (11:00:33 PM): no matter what you do, you will always be adorable

scott (11:00:41 PM): just give it ur best shot

BuildMeUpBtrkup (11:01:27 PM): thats what i noticed most about reading my old diaries...i didnt like myself and very few moment went by where i wasnt trying to lose weight

BuildMeUpBtrkup (11:02:17 PM): thats probably why i care so much about cleaning and grades

BuildMeUpBtrkup (11:02:21 PM): and stupid things like that

BuildMeUpBtrkup (11:02:27 PM): and not being in baton rouge

BuildMeUpBtrkup (11:03:20 PM): and even when i'm sad about it i'm still mad at myself beacuse theres nothing even wrong with me

BuildMeUpBtrkup (11:04:09 PM): so many people have bigger problems but i still sit around disliking myself

scott (11:04:33 PM): u happen to be really self conscious

scott(11:04:40 PM): and i thought i was bad

scott (11:05:09 PM): well

scott (11:05:18 PM): all i know for sure

scott (11:05:28 PM): is that

scott (11:05:38 PM): 1111111

scott (11:05:47 PM): thats all i know

BuildMeUpBtrkup (11:05:48 PM): :]

scott (11:06:12 PM): ur cute and ur always gonna be cute. u better learn to deal with it

caragrace29 @ 2008-06-02T21:22:00

2008-06-03T02:32:13Z

i feel gross. i want to master cleanse, but i'm going to wait to do that after i move into my apartment. for now i need some sort of guidline because i'm still in a fat oblivion. i was thinking 2468 diet, but i think with the way i've been acting, that is a little too generous. i'm thinking 2424 diet...which i think i just made up. i just don't want to do the 6 or 8 part because i suck and shouldnt be allowed to eat that much. fuck all of this. i'm just wasting my time and i want to feel good about myself again.

200 cal tomorrow.

caragrace29 @ 2008-05-30T00:18:00

2008-05-30T05:33:07Z

I weight 160. I took the most hideous before pictures.

GW1 150 June10th
GW2 140 June 25th
GW3 135 July 3rd
GW4 130 July 23rd
GW5 120 August 15th
GW6 115 Sept 1st

caragrace29 @ 2008-05-27T18:43:00

2008-05-27T23:52:55Z

I'm going to go ahead and be a post whore today.
rgjaekrgnaekrgnakerg i'm like going out of my mind bored.

my apt ppl said that they call when they are done with the room to give you a date. this is going to drive me fucking insane. i'm stuck at home eating my weight in whatever i find. i don't hang out with my old friends because they flake out on me and never call back. i miss my boyfriend A LOT, i have a sore throat which isn't helping. and i don't even know when all of this is going to endddd. OMGOGMORMgarufakwfhn yeah.

i'm okay.

i ate some chips with salsa because i am a fatassss.

i've just done NOTHING for the past 3 days. haven't gone out the door. though i did get dressed today. i'm lonely. i want more coffee. i'm reaaaallyyy freaking tired.