i need a plan

it's hard to think about eating right now... i'm so tired of crying about it that i hate thinking about having to eat. then i get hungry and i think because i'm hungry, i can eat some high calorie food that i love. but i must remember that i cannot, because i am not a normal weight.

this isn't hard...i control all of this. no one makes me eat. no one buys me food to eat. no one forces me to stop working out.
i can beat these cravings because they do not own me.

so how about this. when i'm starved i can eat some fruit. i can work out. there is no way i'll keep gaining weight or even stay this weight if i'm working out and not eating much.

still losing...

and not weight ...the battle against binge eating. i guess i want to stay like this forever? so tomorrow is a new day. i guess i just have to try again.

i was doing AWESOME until i binged on fucking ice cream. binging is always odd...i can't stop thinking about the food until i eat a large quantity of it...not a normal quantity...but even more. then i can't live with myself until i throw it up. usually i will stop there, but this time i decided i should start doing crunches as well. i just did 50 and i haven't done then in forever so my stomach is burning. i'm going to add more onto that i just started them right after purging so my musles were a little tired. i'm starting to actually want to work out more...i usually hate it, but i'm really in a crunches mood.


new weight loss goal because i fucked up the last years worth..well actually more like 5 years, but at this point who's counting?

GW1 - 150 - Oct 23rd
GW2- 140 -  Nov 6th
GW3- 130 -  Nov 20th
GW4- 120 -  Dec 4th

so we have restricting
maybe detoxing?
crunches like crazy
and if all fails....throwing it all up apparently

i'm so down lately.
maybe it's a period is about to start thing
idk but i think i'm about to have to cry myself to sleep.

something HAS to change.
i can't live like this anymore.

my sleeping schedule is so different now. I trained myself to go to sleep earlier so that I can wake up earlier...except today my first class was cancelled and i could have slept later -_-

I was terrified that my weight would be up this morning
-strawberries and 70cal smoothie
-100cal apple newton bar
-a little bit of cereal and milk with fruit on top
-1 cookie and a bit of dough...I made them for my boyfriend's birthday and had to make sure they came out alright...i didn't use a mixer, i was SO proud :]
- theennn my through started hurting and I was out of water (the tap tastes bad) so I kept finding stuff to drink like banana colada fuze and this other stuff, but i didn't finish the class, then I had 1 piece of chocolate which would have been fine, but I already tasted the cookie and I'm trying really hard to stay far far away from binging, but i did only have 1 piece. and then 1 million cough drops. i can't stand it when my throat feels funny :[
 

I don't think i did anything too wrong, i just don't want to get back into the habit of eating sweets.
and this morning, the scale said 161 so i'm exactly like yesterday!

i just finished eating my breakfast which was cereal with milk and some fruit (i'm trying to finish the milk even though it isn't reduced fat, jut because when i went to the store it was all they had left and i don't want to waste that money....i also don't drink milk by itself)

i only have class from 11-1215 today and then i'm going to my boyfriend's house. i made him 53 cookies which he can start on today and then at 12am sept 12th he can have his real present :] i made him the typical booklet of out inside jokes but i also got him a new video game which nearly cost me 70$....that on top of the cost of buying all the baking supplies was almost 100..... he better feel lucky! that's something i miss about home..... i wouldn't have had to go buy all the ingredients and the bowls and spoons. but i love living on my own way more. it seems like i moved out an eternity ago, but it's only been a year. and it's only been since june that i've had my own apartment. the dorms barely count! well except that no one makes my rules. it's strange though, when i lived at home i was a terrible child. i wanted to go out all night, smoke, drink, and never do work, but now that i can do whatever i want, i'm actually rather boring. i mean i go out to the bars every once in awhile, but i rather hang out with my boyfriend at home and have him try to teach me about his video games. i also rather bring him to the print shop and explain to him what i'm working on...especially if it's tiring and he'll help me. i like finishing my day early and cuddling up in my bed and watching tv. i like waking up early to take a shower and having plenty of time before my first class to watch the weather and plan out my food and make sure i have everything. maybe this is growing up. i realize i'm not even 20 yet, but not everyone can be a party animal. part of this is the choice i made when i decided to date my boyfriend. he hates going out and there isn't much of a point in going out and dancing if your boyfriend isn't there. i guess i some cases maybe, but our relationship is too serious for that. i don't mind it though. he's an amazing person and he's my best friend. i wouldn't trade our relationship for the world. i'm so excited about tonight, i can't wait to give him his present! i got him an xbox game bc his friends gave him an xbox for i think christmas so that he could learn to play halo and be on their team, but that's the only game he has for it so i figured i'd fix that! i also wrapped it in a copy of a drawing i did. custome wrapping paper! ...that way i didn't have to buy any either.

back to food:

i plan on restricting a lot today. breakfast should get me through a lot of the day and since i'm at his house, i'll probably end up eating dinner so i will fast until then. i may bring some of my 100cal snacks to eat while i'm there...since i'm spending the night so that i can eat my usual stuff when he eats regular meals.


alright maybe i'll try to sleep some more though i don't think it will happen :[

When I woke up I was 161 and after my shower I was 160.5. This means eating fruit so that I'm less hungry for school works! THANK GOD. I hate being hungry in class, especially since all of mine are so long.

So before I leave I'm going to have a few strawberries with probably a 70cal smoothie....I need to eat those strawberries before they go bad. I have class from 10-3 45 so I'm going to bring little 100-90 cal snacks...probably 2 of them. After class I need to finish my boyfriend's birthday present ....part of it means I'm going to make cookies. I'm trusting that I won't eat more than 1 just to make sure they taste right. I'll probably just eat fruit for dinner since I'm going to eat 1 cookie.

I get sooooo excited about seeing new numbers. So far I'm down about 5 lbs! I can't wait to get back to the 140s. I think I even look faily thin when I'm in the 130s!!!

Okay off to finish getting ready for another successful day :]

done eating for the day.
just ate a 100cal yogurt
we shall see how this works out tomorrow
i feel like though i'm restricting, it isn't enough
i'm eating very small portions spread out, but i feel like i could go without food longer than i am

oohhh well...there's no way i can gain weight like this.
i'll be thin one day

So far....

100cal apple newton bar
bowl of strawberries with a banana
small handful of special k (125cal?ish) with strawberries

i didn't want to be too hungry to function at school because i have 3 really long classes today so i had the fruit to fill me up

225-250ish cal plus the fruit and i'm definitely full enough to function. we'll see what this does with amount of time it takes me to lose weight.

i haven't really decided what to eat for dinner.... i have a 3 hour class from 530-820...hopefully it won't actually last that long, but i'm definitely bringing a little snack...90-100 cal and then maybe a 70 cal smoothie for dinner...

:] 162

I'm down from 166. I ever ate real dinner last night! I'm so impressed. I can't wait to see what it is tomorrow. I'll be back to the 150s in no time. Then the 140s!

Staying under 400 today